What stories are you and your partner making up about each other?
What stories are playing out each time you have an argument or disagreement?
Are those stories going around and around leaving you feeling like you’re stuck in perpetual cycle of repetition and never moving forward?
The trouble with stories is that we all believe that our perception is the correct perception and tend to forget that the same story, seen through someone else’s eyes, heard through someone else’s ears or felt with someone else’s emotions can be completely different to the story we’re telling ourselves.
I recently watched the musical “Come from Away” with my son. It tells the story of the 9/11 atrocities but from a very different perspective. It’s the story of the passengers on the 38 planes that were diverted from US Air space and had to make unexpected landings in the small town of Gander, Newfoundland and how the town suddenly doubled in size to in accommodating the 7,000 passengers who suddenly became residents until they were able to return home almost a week later.
It told the story of 9/11 but from a completely different perspective and it was riveting viewing. Many of the stories within the musical are true and whilst they all tell the story of 9/11, every single one of them is different.
The same story, so many different perspectives.
So many of the clients I work with are stuck in a story seen only from their perspective. When I suggest a different perspective, it takes them a while to acknowledge that theirs isn’t the only perspective, but I also see the penny drop; the light bulb goes on and they suddenly understand why they’ve been stuck in that perpetual cycle of repetition.
We all like to think that our perception of events is right, but often it takes someone completely objective to suggest that maybe the other party’s perception is right too. It doesn’t change our own perception but it does give us an alternative perspective.
When we break down the barrier that’s limiting understanding and start to step into someone else’s perception, then we can break the cycle of repetition and start to repair our relationship.
What do you need to see from your partner’s perspective today?
What barriers do you need to break through to rebuild your relationship?
I had everything planned.
I knew exactly what I was going to do.
I had everything for my business planned to the ‘nth degree.
I was counting down the days until my son returned to education (he’s starting Sixth Form Drama College this year) and then it was going to be all systems go.
I was really excited, in that ‘Back to School‘, New Year, New Start way many of us feel at this time of year.
But then I was brought down to earth with a bump.
My son tested positive for Covid and missed the first two days of his new adventure.
My plans, so carefully mapped out, would have to wait at least another week.
I went into full on nurturing mum mode and dropped everything to ensure he was OK.
I was worried, we’d nearly lost my mum to Covid earlier this year, this was my boy, my baby. At 6 feet tall he suddenly seemed tiny and vulnerable, just like that long but delicate little baby I first met over 16-years ago.
Some things I’d planned got done but lots didn’t.
As my son started to improve, so I started to catch up. Then my partner suggested I took Friday off as I always do.
I was reticent at first, I had so much work to catch up on. But he insisted, having kept his Friday free to spend with me as he always does.
We compromised; I did some urgent work in the morning then we went out for the day.
We visited The National Arboretum at Westonbirt Arboretum, a day in the fresh air, surrounded by trees and absorbing their energy, their strength.
As we walked hand in hand through the acres of the Arboretum I felt the stress melting away, and we started to talk about our hopes, dreams and desires, reconnecting.
I felt calmness return.
We talked about our relationship, acknowledging that it seemed to have drifted recently because we’d both been so busy and not made each other a priority.
We talked about my son and our elderly parents.
We talked about what we each need to fulfil our own individual needs and dreams.
It was much needed time together to reconnect.
So when I got home and found that the technology hadn’t worked, my social media hadn’t scheduled and my authenticator app had lost all of the accounts stored in it, I didn’t panic, I didn’t cry.
Yes, I got annoyed but also recognised that it can all be fixed and starting putting plans into motion to fix it.
What was most important was that I stepped into selfish and spent time on my relationships;
My relationship with myself
My relationship with my partner
My relationship with my son
I spent time thinking about and planning my relationship;
With my parents
With my clients
Relationships take time. They take effort, they take commitment. Sometimes the best laid plans fall by the wayside, but if you’ve put the footwork in before and you make the effort to reconnect after, then those crises soon become little blips that can soon be overcome.
What could have been a mountain of a crisis, has been a mole hill that is being easily overcome.
What can you do today, this week to ensure future crises only become little blips?
What can you do today to Bring back the Bliss into all of your relationships?
One of the things my partner and I like to do is go for long motorbike rides. At one time I contemplated getting my own license but I love the closeness that riding pillion brings so chose to stay that way.
Riding pillion on the back of a motorbike gives me lots of time to think.
On our most recent ride it got me thinking about trust. And I asked the question across my social media platforms recently – ‘Do you trust your partner?’
For most people the response was an instant ‘yes’ which is unsurprising. We’re conditioned to believe that if we love our partner, we therefore trust them.
But trust is something very different.
Trust is defined as the firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something.
Sitting on the bike of the bike behind my partner I have to have the utmost belief in his ability. I have to trust that he isn’t going to try to show-off, scare me or do anything silly. Being on the back of a motorbike is a vulnerable position to be in.
I trust my partner implicitly. So much so that I’ve even been known to fall asleep, or rather doze off, whilst on the back of the bike!
I have so much trust in him that I am completely relaxed – other than when we were riding over the Swiss Alps some years ago and my fear of heights kicked in. The views were incredible but I started shaking involuntarily. He had to pull-over because my shaking was putting him off! We stopped, I got off, took some deep breaths, and off we went again. I’ve since conquered my fear of heights using hypnotherapy and NLP.
However, back to trust and being on the back of a motorbike.
Would you trust your partner enough to get on the back of a motorbike they were riding? Let’s assume for this purpose that they have a motorbike license and know what they’re doing.
If you wouldn’t get on the back of a metaphorical motorbike with them ask yourself why not?
What story do they tell?
In my early days of talking about domestic abuse, people would always cite bruises as an indicator that abuse had taken place. But what if there are no visual clues?
I didn’t know I was in an abusive relationship until a policeman pointed it out to me. This was 5-years after I had left the relationship and was still getting hassle from the perpetrator. Even then, I didn’t believe it was abuse, I just thought it was a ‘normal’ acrimonious separation involving a child. Because to me it was normal, so I accepted it.
Many of my clients tell me about what is going on their relationship and I occasionally have cause to suggest to them that theirs is an abusive relationship. Usually their first response is ‘but he doesn’t hit me’.
We talk about it further and I explain that words and actions can be equally as damaging as physical violence.
Over time, I help them work out what they want to do in the future; some choose to leave the relationship, others choose to stay and develop coping strategies. It is always my clients’ decision and I support her appropriately. If however, I truly believe she is in danger, then I will intervene.
Over time we work together to fix those unseen bruises, the aches and pains that no-one else knows you carry around day after day, hiding them Behind the Mask.
Stepping Behind the Mask is scary, you never know quite what you’ll uncover. But when you know the underlying cause of any symptoms, you can start to fix them.
The bruise in the photo is of my hip. I was recently knocked off my bicycle by a car. That bruise and a bent and twisted bike are the only visible signs of the accident. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have damage and pain in other areas of my body.
Next time you ponder about your relationship, think about more than what you and everyone else can see. Download my e-book that tells my story about what it’s like living Behind the Mask: “Whatever it takes: Living with Leaving and Surviving Psychological Abuse”
I recently celebrated my 50th birthday but I don’t have a single photo of my party to share with anyone.
Why is this?
Upon reflection I realise that it’s because all of us at the party were actually present in the moment rather than worrying about capturing it to share with the rest of the World.
Being present is something many of us forget about in our relationships.
How often are you truly present in your relationship?
Your partner arrives home from work and tells you about their day, but rather than listening properly you’re thinking about what to cook for dinner, what to tell them about your day, what time you have to pick the kids up.
You sit down to watch TV together but one of you is watching whilst the other is scrolling through social media on your phone.
You go out for dinner and rather than talk, you take selfies, photographs of your food, your surroundings and share them on social media.
When was the last time you and your partner really connected and were fully present with each other?
Try it today. Take just 20 minutes, put your phones on silent and out of sight. Spend 10 minutes each talking. Person 1 talks about their day or whatever they want for just 10 minutes without interruption, then person 2 does the same. Truly listen to what is being said. Watch your partner’s physiology. Do you notice when they become excited, angry, reflective, motivated?
Taking time out to be truly present with your partner is the best present you can give each other.
Presence is much better for your relationship, and more valuable than presents.
It’s a bit of a milestone in anyone’s life and I was asked how I ‘really’ feel about turning 50. Well the truth is I’m really happy about it.
The first 3 decades of my adult life weren’t great; 2 abusive marriages, a failed business, personal bankruptcy, a stint working in the sex industry, a ‘Pretty Woman’ moment then led to a third abusive relationship before I hit rock bottom just after my 40th birthday. I was depressed, suffering panic attacks, on anti-depressants and beta blockers and was too scared to leave my home. I was terrified people would discover that I’d been a sex worker and I desperately wanted my life to end. I certainly didn’t want to reach 50.
I wanted my life to be over, the sooner the better. I didn’t love myself and I believed I knew, and had absolute proof, that I was unlovable – I believed I’d discovered the evidence for why people didn’t love me!
So what changed?
I lay on my kitchen floor in the foetus position, feeling sorry for myself and and something inside me snapped. I recognised that the only way my life would change is if I took responsibility for it. No-one else was going to change my life for me.
Within 2 years I had gained my Equity card and Spotlight membership, I was fitter and healthier than I had been for a very long time and I had reconnected with the love of my life whom I’d first met 15 years before.
8 years further on from that at the ripe old age of 50 I’ve used my experiences to create a business that is built around my SIM© Methodology, embracing the lessons I learned from the sex industry, and the knowledge I’ve acquired as a result of studying for a psychology degree with the Open University, and latterly training to become a certified Neuro Linguistic Programming Coach, certified Hypnosis practitioner and certified Time LineTM Therapy practitioner. All of which are tools I employ with my clients where appropriate.
At 50 I’m fitter and healthier than I’ve ever been before, in the past couple of years I’ve run a half marathon and I’m seriously considering running another one next year. I have a healthy relationship with alcohol which used to be my drug of choice and I have a healthy relationship with food.
My relationship and sex life is fulfilling, full of unconditional love, trust, respect and fun and I have an amazing relationship with my 16-year old son.
I have a growing business which is something I’d only previously dreamed of and I’m helping women Internationally to change their relationships for the better.
For the first time in my life I have a healthy bank balance and perhaps more importantly, now I’m 50, I have a healthy pension pot. In the past year I’ve taken more responsibility for my finances than ever before. I’ve worked out what I need to do to clear the last vestiges of debt from the 10-year legal battle to become my son’s primary carer.
We have the ability to change our life and our relationships. As soon a we start taking responsibility for ourselves and then taking tiny consistent action, things change.
My social media has been full of memes celebrating Star Wars Day today – May the 4th be with you! It’s a clever play on words from one of the most successful film franchises of all time.
However, for many years, I did all I could to avoid seeing or hearing any media on May 4th simple because it is known as Star Wars Day.
You see, Star Wars was for a very long time one of the triggers that took me back to my psychologically abusive marriage. I write about it in depth in my book ‘Whatever it takes: Living with, Leaving and Surviving Psychological Abuse’.
Much is written about people’s triggers, we learn about triggers for PTSD and so many people today say they are ‘triggered’ by something or another. It is used in so many settings to excuse poor behaviour or a misguided response to something someone has either said or done, that when someone says they are ‘triggered’ it is very often not met with the attention or support it requires.
We don’t always know if someone has been subject to domestic abuse, we’re not always aware if someone has PTSD, such scars and conditions are not always visible. Very often, the first we know of them is when someone has what to many people can only be described as an ‘abnormal reaction’ to something fairly innocuous such as in my case, May the 4th or Star Wars. In fact, there was another occasion when my newly decorated office in an administrative role I had triggered a memory that had lain dormant from my first marriage which was physically and sexually abusive.
It has taken many years of work from me to be able to even tolerate Star Wars on TV, there was a time where I wouldn’t even work with someone who said they were a Star Wars fan because the association to Star Wars created far too strong a response from my nervous system, taking me back to a place where I was forced to watch Star Wars movies, quizzed and tested on my Star Wars knowledge and ridiculed for not knowing various plot twists, intricacies of character relationships or which film came in which order.
Even now, I will choose not to watch Star Wars if I can although I no longer have a problem if someone is a Star Wars fan.
We hear so often about hidden disabilities; hidden abuse needs just as much consideration. We never truly know what is going on behind closed doors or Behind the Mask that people wear in public. Next time someone you know has an extreme response to something fairly innocuous, rather than making a harsh judgement, gently ask them what’s wrong. You might give them the lifeline they need.
Today is Moments of Laughter Day which leads me to ask, how many moments of laughter do you have with your partner?
My partner, Floss, and I are gigglers. We can find humour in the daftest of things and when one of us starts laughing it usually sets the other off. I’m particularly bad, I start laughing but not a loud ‘ha, ha’, I laugh and shake but without any sound at all. Most people laugh at me laughing!
Some of our best moments of laughter have been in bed.
No, not when you’re thinking, although we have been known to stop mid coitus due to laughing too much. Our usual bed-time laughter happens when we mis-hear each other just as we’re falling asleep. I’ll start giggling, he’ll ask why I’m shaking, I’ll try to tell him through my laughter, then he’ll start to laugh too, and we’ll lie there, in the dark giggling away whilst trying to fall asleep.
There is actually something rather nice about falling asleep having giggled in the moments before.
This article shares the health benefits of laughter which include releasing stress and tension, and taking the focus away from anger and guilt.
What moments of laughter can you recall with your partner?
How long ago were those moments of laughter?
This might be a bit controversial but bear with me.
Throughout life we are told we need to take responsibility for ourselves, our choices, our actions, our behaviour and so on.
So why is it, when there are problems in our relationships we are quick to apportion blame to our partner and stop taking responsibility?
No matter what is going wrong in your relationship, some of the reason for the issues will lie with you – there are after all 2 people in a relationship.
“How can you say that Deb, if someone is in an abusive relationship?”
Well, whilst I’m in no way saying anyone is responsible for being the victim of abuse, and we cannot be held responsible for the behaviour or actions of another, we are responsible for our choices.
Having had 3 abusive relationships I know I did not deserve to be abused however, I take responsibility by acknowledging I CHOSE to enter into those relationships, I CHOSE to stay in those relationships, I CHOSE to ignore the warning signs before and during those relationships, I CHOSE to allow the behaviour to continue without being challenged.
Likewise, when I had a partner who cheated on me, I acknowledged responsibility too – at the time I was more preoccupied with other things going in my life and not giving him the attention he wanted. We often take our partners for-granted and when I looked back I could see where things had gone off track.
This in no way condones any of the behaviour of my ex partners but it recognises that there were two of us in the relationship, each reacting to the other in one way or another, each believing that their reaction/behaviour is correct and acceptable so continuing to behave in the same way. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.
Most of our behaviour is learned from family and those around us, we have rules we live by on a day to day basis but in our own homes there is no-one, other than our partner, to challenge our behaviour. If poor behaviour goes unchallenged it becomes normalised and accepted, regardless whether the behaviour is actually acceptable.
What behaviour are you allowing to go unchallenged in your relationship at the moment?
What behaviour are you exhibiting that you could change to make an improvement to how you perceive your relationship?
On World Theatre Day (Saturday 27th March) I reflected upon why I named my coaching practice Not A Rehearsal. Whilst I truly believe life’s Not A Rehearsal, my coaching practice is alsonamed to acknowledge my love of the theatre.
As a teenager my dream was to become a professional actor. I was offered a deferred place at RADA but turned it down when my then boyfriend proposed. I was 19-years old and we’d been together for 6 years. The prospect of being apart for 3 years whilst I studied was just too long.
I settled in my relationship and I settled in life.
I settled for getting cast in leading roles in amazing productions in the local Amateur Dramatics community; from Irene Molloy in Hello Dolly! and Katie Brown in Calamity Jane, to Elizabeth Bennett in Pride & Prejudice, Lady Windermere in Lady Windermere’s Fan, Alice in a semi-pro production of Vinegar Tom, and the World Premiere of an opera, The Barber of Saville Row.
I learned to sing properly and to dance, I even learned to tap dance for Stepping Out and pushed myself beyond my comfort zone time and time again to deliver performances I could only otherwise have dreamed of.
My second husband wasn’t at all supportive of my acting passion and did everything he could to belittle me, mock me and destroy my confidence. But when I left him, I returned to the only thing I knew that made me feel truly alive – the stage.
Gradually my confidence increased and one-day I dared to apply for an audition in a professional touring production of a play.
I got the part and I knew my life would change from that point onwards.
It did. It led me to my partner, to the only unconditionally loving relationship I’ve ever had.
Following my dream, pursuing my passion, achieving professional status in my early 40’s enabled me to change my life.
It’s only right that my business name should reflect my belief, my passion and my desire to help other female professionals to create the relationships they truly want rather than simply settling; after all, life’s really Not A Rehearsal.